Recently it generally feels as if by the time evening arrives, I have run entirely out of stamina, as well as out of thoughts. This is not good, as evening is one of my go-to times for getting things done, and for typing a few thoughts out here. Must fix.
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I’m thinking about taking up Taekwondo like the kids have. I’ve been repeatedly invited, and it’s an interesting thought. I’m trying to figure out whether it would something that I really want to do (probably healthy), or whether it would be in that genre of things that I do to correct past wrongs or unfinished tasks and/or to prove something to myself (possibly unhealthy, though I’m actually not entirely sure).
One issue that would have to be overcome: daughter is dead-set against dad taking it up. This is actually a big part of the calculation for me, as I want her to continue to love it. I think it’s one of the best, most important components of her growth as a person right now.
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Other thoughts that keep nagging at me:
- Jumping back into the academic production and career hunt
- The possibility of another degree (law, medicine, or philosophy)
- Housebuying
- Questioning of my own financial literacy
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I’m a pretty tough-minded person. I’m incredibly fair; I’ll never ask for anything more than is just and right and proper, and generally won’t take it even if it’s offered, but I’ll also fight tooth and nail for the very same just, right, and proper, and I never, ever give up simply because the going is rough. I generally do a very good job of weighing things rationally and making sound (even if tough) decisions.
I can cope with setbacks and with criticism and I can have (and even initiate) the hard conversations and engagements. I am not particularly affected by other peoples’ opinions of me, only by my opinions of myself.
There have been some (okay, many, many, many) over the years that didn’t like one or, more commonly, all of these things about me. I mean, people really hate it when you’re tough-minded. When you don’t back away from what’s right despite obstacles, and when they can’t shift your course with their input unless you concur with it. They absolutely hate it.
Yet I think it is the right and proper and productive way to be.
There is nothing that I would more prefer to inculcate into my children as a parent and mentor than similar tough-mindedness.
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Automatic and Eco-drive. Eco-drive and automatic.
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I enjoy football season. I really, really enjoy it. I know that for a million reasons ranging from socioeconomic class to responsibilities to the neurological health of high school students I’m supposed to hate it, but I don’t. I enjoy it. I enjoy the hell out of it.
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About a year and a quarter. That’s how long it’s effectively taken to climb back to some semblance of stability, productivity, and some sense of stability and discipline following the initial separation.
They say it takes 1-2 years at least to climb out of your hole. They are right.
The house is being put back together. Grass has been re-seeded and is nearing the age when I can mow it without risk just in time for the last couple mowings of fall. Laundry has gone from “clean, dirty, whatever, it’s all in a few baskets by the machines” to being folded and filed in drawers. Living room has been painted and redecorated (these were badly needed). Carpets have been shampooed. Fridge is clean. I no longer feel like a stranger or an alien in my own place of residence. I wake up and feel normal. I’m coming to feel on top of things at work (not caught up, just not in a continuous panic).
Not that there’s no nervousness or fear; just that they’re far lower than they were. And not that I let those things incapacitate me—I didn’t—but I imagine that my blood pressure is finally returning to normal after just over a year of looking like a volcano about to erupt.
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I am getting some interesting offers again to take up photography with compensation, rather than just doing it as a hobby. I am very tempted. It is a path that was open to me once, a long time ago, and I decided to pursue academics instead.
Now there are some places to put my feet in the door again. The right time? The right choice? Hard to say. I still enjoy doing it. The question is—how far to take it? Do I really want to pursue it as a thing, or just as a one-off or cuppola?
I don’t know.
Same question for academics. Where am I going with my thoughts? What am I really thinking, if I try to remove the filter that I (like everyone) use to separate myself from myself?
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On that note, now that I’ve arrived back at “steady, inside and out,” I need to begin to pursue “more tightly and completely integrated, conscious and subconscious.”
Lifelong projects.
Maybe we’re approaching time to begin picking them all up once again, finally.
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Final note: there is absolutely, positively no point in dating. Because there is nobody worth dating, anywhere, anywhen. Never has been, never will be. It’s a con, folks. Don’t do it.