I have a friend in another state I’d like to visit, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to execute on this desire. That sounds a lot like where I am in life right now—trying to figure out how to execute on things.

It’s tempting to say “oh, but now isn’t quite the right time,” but the thing is that life is short. I’ve been working on the right time for things my entire life. There is no right time, you just have to figure out how to make things work. Doesn’t make it any easier, though.

— § —

There is a genre of thing that happens to me wherein someone says “why are you living your life this way, you’re brilliant and unusual and capable and you could be earning many multiples of what you earn; what’s the secret desire or need that’s keeping you where you are, here, earning a fraction of the money and respect you ought to have?”

This sounds like I’m making things up to blow my own horn, but it’s actually worse than that, this genre of sentiment now weighs on me like so many bricks.

Like, what am I doing wrong? What in me is fundamentally broken? Obviously, people believe I should be so much better off or more successful than I am. What is it that I’m missing? The problem is, you don’t know what you don’t know, or rather, I don’t know what I don’t know. I only know that life has been a slog. I work hard and I work a lot and people also find that worthy of respect.

But I’d love to figure out how to actually cash in on this thing people think of me. The worst is when it’s people in my own industry or workplaces.

I have a full lifetime’s worth of student loans just waiting to get paid off. If there is some way for me to earn half a million or a million a year, please, tell me what it is, or hire me, or whatever.

On the other hand, if you’re going to say “just be an entrepreneur,” well… That’s not something that’s so easy to come by. There’s a lot of socialization there, a lot of subtle cues and ticks that I don’t have. I grew up in a lower middle class “would be a gold watch now you’re retiring after 40 years but this is the lower middle class so it’s a Casio” sort of a family. You know. Go to college and read great books and someone will hire you for $80,000 and then you’ll have it made with stable, respectable employment. You might even be able to afford two cars!

— § —

I didn’t realize how much stuff I buy from China / India / Canada / the EU until all this Trump tariff stuff. Like, I’m that sort of DIYer that just has gone online my entire life and ordered what I need and found it not to be too expensive. Now that I’m filtering out other nations so that I don’t pay $103.00 for a $3.00 item, I’m realizing that there’s a lot of stuff I’ve had shipped in from overseas over the years without much thought.

No, I don’t want to change this practice. I am learning that I’m not much of an American “patriot,” at least not in these colors.

It’s all fast. Very, very fast. So fast it would hurt, only you don’t even get a chance to before it’s over.

— § —

The world is absolutely full of magic. When you’re young, you can see it. You get a little older, you can see it when you drink. You get older than that, and you know it’s there if you’re lucky, but you can’t see it any longer.

— § —

I know that AI is happening and I know that I have the skills and ought to be in on the game. The problem is that I don’t care and I am having trouble making myself believe in reality.

— § —

You reach a stage where you anticipate things being over and mourn their passing before they begin.

— § —

There comes a time in the life of an automatic movement when the mainspring and escapement and pinions are worn enough that if you let it stop, it won’t come back. At that point, you have to just keep it running. Humans are this way, too.

— § —

So are cars. Maybe so is everything.

— § —

You even lose the ability to properly tell your kids how much you love them. You know the words and you say them, but you’re overgrown with time and the waver in your soul is smothered.

— § —

I haven’t been me for a long time. I think every person who can pay their bills eventually arrives at that state. That’s what it means to be able to pay your bills. They tell you that’s a good thing.

— § —

Every moment, every blade of grass and every plant in my yard grows. They grow from “not even there” to “fuck that’s tall” but you never see them grow.

— § —

That is also the waxing of your life. Which gives way to a mirrored waning of your life.

— § —

It rained some today. Some drops hit me. Some drops hit my dog. Someday my dog will be touched by her last raindrop. Someday I will be touched by my last raindrop.