It is a world of contrasts and surprises, isn’t it? Interesting stuff. And in the meantime, events that once seemed very far away are creeping up on me quickly. Careful planning is needed on my part. That and a dentist visit… a total annoyance.

So I’m listening to Larry King before I go to work. There are some ex-military brass on the panel who are explaining that part of the reason that the war isn’t going as planned is the fact that some Iraqis are showing patriotism, something that the American planners had not expected. Shockingly, some Iraqis would rather live under a corrupt Iraqi regime than under an invading army of foreigners.

I nearly fell off my chair when I heard this. I mean, the gall of these Iraqis… Nobody who is an unAmerican has the right to be patriotic about any unAmerican place. We all know that. It’s been explained to us time and time again by Bush. Now I know we need to go in and kill them all, those damned uppity unjustifiably patriotic unAmericans.

Maybe Bush really is as stupid as everyone thought.

Already the memories of last summer seem distant and bittersweet. Already I feel as though I’ve lost something since then, as though another chapter has been written and sealed. It’s all very fast, this, isn’t it…?

Do I die now?

One of the things I find most frustrating about the conservative point of view is the common notion that if you’re not in the top 2% of the population with respect to wealth, you have no right to be proud of any of your accomplishments. So many of these people feel that if you are a lowly hourly worker who actually has the balls to take pride in your work or try to improve yourself, you’re just being pretentious or even presumptuous. They seem to feel that should slide back down into your underclass seat and shut up.

Sorry, kids… not gonna do it.

Still recovering from all of the major blows that have been killing me lately. Sometimes life really, really tries hard to make you want to throw your hands up in the air, drive to the Golden Gate Bridge and become a statistic.

In some ways, I suppose I already am a statistic.

But never mind. I have personal assets that few others have, and I will make my mark. I am confident enough, I suppose, to not jump just yet. Not if I can help it, anyway.

I thought things were hectic before… but now they’re about to get really crazy. I hope I can keep up with the list of things I have to get done and the list of matching deadlines over the next eight weeks. Honestly, I’m a little intimidated by my life right now.

I will be working two jobs (one of them graveyard shift with occasional overtime), flying to Chicago for some introductory and educational stuff, working to complete a number of applications to keep myself funded, planning a very long multi-nation trip and preparing for a move and graduate study. All of this will essentially have to be done my the last week in May. Ugh.

I wonder if life ever gets more relaxed as you get older, rather than more complex and busy…

I am continually touched by the incredible diversity and color of the world in which we live, from the cold, soulful femininity of urban concrete to the jovial, relaxed ethos of the palm tress of the tropical regions. I can’t bear to think about leaving any of it behind before tasting all of it, before making all of it a part of myself.

I don’t stop very long to wonder about how close I feel to some of the artists of the past who have left us now—Bob Marley or John Lennon among them–and I don’t know exactly what my place in the world would have been had I managed to do my parents’ and counselors’ bidding all those years ago and actually “fulfill my potential…”

But I can say that at this moment I am not ready to move on yet, having missed a good portion of “The Experience” and wanting to miss nothing, considering the beauty and depth of it all.

I hope the chance and the road will continue to be mine.

If not, read this as my lament.

This is for my grandfather. I don’t know if I believe in afterlife. I don’t know if I believe that he can see it. I don’t know what I believe. But this is for him.

I love you. I miss you. I want to ask you things.

I don’t know if I will ever know what you knew. I don’t know how much longer I will be here. I don’t know a great many things.

I miss your smile. I miss the faith that you had in me. I miss a great many things. I hope I will see you again.

This is the first day I have “not worked” in nearly two months. I took a couple of days to think—to reflect about the state of my life, about what it would mean to me if I were to die, say… next year. What have I done with my life so far? What have I not managed to do that I want to do?

I want to get my doctorate. That’s Priority One. It’s the one thing I haven’t done yet that I’d really like to do before I die. The other thing, I think, is to write a novel. With all the writing I’ve done over the years, you’d think some of it would be creative, but really… it’s all nonfiction, either academic or documentary or technical. Do I have a novel in me?

Will I ever find out?

Life is very complicated sometimes… but in spite of that, it’s also very precious. Very, very precious. It’s been a long time since I thought about this kind of stuff… but I think it’s good that I take a look at it again, no matter what happens over the next few days or weeks.

No, if you think I am alluding to something, you are imagining things. Go back to your television sets. Go back to your Survivors and Idols. Go back to your lives.

I am way behind in following up on contacts. Sorry everyone, if you have called or emailed I will do my best to get to you sometime this upcoming week.

I am also way behind on things I need to get done: visas, mailings and contacts about financial aid, maintenance and general cleaning up in my life, personal visits to some people who have gone to bat for me in the past… Ugh. I think I need to scale back on the work and overtime for a moment and take care of some of this stuff.

I haven’t had a drink in waaayyyyy too long. This is not too cool. The party life has left me…

Working vast amounts of overtime. Cooooool. I love working nights, too.

Highlight of my applications adventure so far happened today… I was accepted into one of the better schools I applied to. I am happy indeed.

Things in my life are pretty damn strange right now, but they’re also pretty damn cool.

We are going to invade Iraq in spite of United Nations mandates on the grounds that Iraq has violated a United Nations mandate. Our primary ally in the region, Israel, is currently in violation of at least 47 United Nations mandates… so of course we should invade Iraq, who doesn’t have nuclear weapons… to protect Israel, who does… And always remember, as this is happening, that we are acting “pre-emptively in self-defense.”

What sorts of drugs are Americans smoking? How can they possibly buy any of this shit? Has everyone lost even the most vague modicum of common sense?

Everything is temporary, anyway.

This week, the seminal moments are, as it were, ten years gone.

Winding down another work day… And again, too late to contact anyone. For everyone who needs to reach me: e-mail is without a doubt the best avenue right now. I basically have zero time to even grab my phone messages… which makes me wonder why I’m even keeping a phone…

But that’s how it is.

Polar swing? Too early to tell. Ain’t life wierd. Anyway, it’s all a lot of hard work and nonsense. Still waiting to hear from schools… Every day I’m hitting that mailbox hard. Nothing good yet, though. Suck.