Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not one to be particularly down or particularly up. In general, no matter how bad things get or how good things get, I’m about the same.
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This week is different. This week has been dark. And tonight I am down. Down in a way that I don’t think I’ve been down before, even when loved ones have died or during my divorce.
Tonight is dark. I don’t know how to explain it. Not my usual dark as in pirate dark, or angry dark, or any of those things.
Just dark as in black. Cold. Exhausted. Beyond nihilistic, beyond hateful, beyond any of those things. A step beyond even apathy. I don’t know, what would you get if you mixed fatigue, regret, and apathy together, but dialed each of them up by an order of magnitude in this mix?
Maybe despair is the right word. I guess we’ll go with that. Tonight is for despair. Not as in I feel it, but as in I am it. I consist of it, am made of it.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.
I am going to go to bed and disappear into it. Hopefully for many, many, many hours.