Seriously, how many “worst days ever” have I had over the last three or four years, and especially over the last year?

Ten? Fifteen?

And yet they get worse and worse, for everyone. I have historically been a resilient person, but the weight is getting to be impossible to bear.

What gives? When will there finally be a “best day ever” once again? It is so very long overdue that it’s almost intolerable!

I am tired of waking up with stoicism and courage. I want to wake up with joy and anticipation. Is that so much to ask?

It doesn’t even have to be big joy and anticipation. I’ll settle for just a little joy and anticipation. Just a little bit?

Come on, life. Come on, God. Come on, universe. Surely we have all had enough at this point?

— § —

I don’t know what to say or do. I am honestly at a blank, at an impasse. I haven’t been this clueless since I was a kid.

— § —

If there was some way to say “I accept absolutely any state of affairs and any outcome so long as I can skip the next five years!” I would do so.

There is no point to them.

But obviously I can’t.

— § —

If I could press rewind and return to fall semester 2003 to start all over again from there, I would.

I guess that’s what people mean when they say, “If I knew then what I know now…”

But of course I didn’t. And you don’t. Nobody ever does.

A strange and terrible and wonderful practice.

I would never do it myself, nor would I ever encourage anyone to do it. All of which goes without saying; it doesn’t belong to our time or to our culture.

But, in an extreme way, it is reflective of what is missing from our society. It is the polar opposite of who and what we are.

In a way, the Christian story and mythology is a similar trope, thought not nearly as pure or as focused as the Japanese tradition.

But the ideas are the same:

• Ritual self-sacrifice
• The primacy of the social order
• The understanding of the smallness of the self
• Appreciation of the relative weights, consequences of battle and concession

At some level, and in some circumstances, concession in the interest of the greater good requires more strength than the fight for immediate and personal interests.

This is an understanding that we as a culture have lost. I count myself amongst the lost; I will fight to the end—for my position, to prolong my life, for ideals, etc.

But in fact, despite my inability to embrace these things myself, I see their importance.

Throughout history, and in each of the great religious traditions, the repression and sublimation of the self have been seen as the greatest moral virtues. I agree with this, even if I cannot embrace them.

This is what we have lost, and it is a great loss indeed.

Well, little did I know when I posted that.

Just how bad can today get?

I’m going to regret asking that, I’m sure.

Sometimes a day is ruined by a single catastrophic event or experience.

Other times, it’s not one thing in particular, but a slow accumulation of little disappointments, frustrations, and fears that come together to make a day particularly onerous.

Today fits into the latter category. And the end of today can’t possibly come soon enough.

I am not sleeping. This happens from time to time.

And then, as often as not, I open this thing and type. Once I begin typing, I invariably struggle with the question of what to say—and yet before I begin, the urge is incredible; I feel compelled.

I believe that there is more to be said in these late-night posts in particular, even if I can’t quite access it and it never quite hits the page. Bridging the gap between that incredible urge to put my hands to keyboard and what the incredible filter of my mind actually allows to emerge is going, I think, to be one of my life projects from here on out.

It’s paradoxical, and more than a bit funny. You spen the first half of your life being trained to filter everything. Then you spend the second half of your life trying to open the filter and let more truth come out.

But if you don’t get the first half down, all that will come out is chaotic noise. The filter is control. You have to first learn to impose some order and control on things before you can use these skills to produce a facsimilie of truth.

I’m reminded of the Dalai Lama’s quote:

“Learn and obey the rules very well so you will know how to break them properly.”

The one, for better or for worse, has to come before the other as a matter of practical necessity. But it all does take time.

I’m now into the back half of things. I’ve learned the rules. Now I need to practice and develop my ability to break them properly.