it’s really long, life. I mean, it takes a while. And some things you do over and over again, as though you hadn’t done them yet each time, even though you have.

And the clouds.

And the roads.

And the clocks and the ticking, and you walk, and you go on past, and you listen, and you stop listening, and you say, and you speak, and you try, and you try not to try, and you want, and you want to wonder, and you wonder, and you writhe, and you heal, and you hear, and you hew, and you drive, and you drink, and you’d rather, and you know in the end that no matter what and no matter how many open doorways, ajar windows, breezes blowing through, Corona bottles on wire mesh tables, beach sand, little hut with “respect” painted on the doorway, you aren’t going anywhere you aren’t going anywhere you aren’t going anywhere you aren’t going anywhere.

You live inside you.

You live inside your head, inside your heart, inside your soul.

It is yours, your palace, your duneon, your today, your tomorrow, your eulogy.

That is the way it is, the way it has been, the way it will be, it was decreed before you were here, it was decided before you knew.

There is nothing else.

And it is.

– Ph.D.

– Kids (abstract; tough to imagine concrete since they’re so variable)

– Resurrected writing career

– Hardwood floors

– Big windows

– Fast self-assembled wildly overspecified computer system

– Big self-assembled solar system

– Old self-maintained engine-integrated RV

– Beachfront property

– Sanity

– Self-discipline

– Acres and acres of cattails

– Years as a photographer

– Trip to China

– Restoration for the 25-year old Volvo

– Enough money to travel NYC<->SLC with ease, over and over again

– An end to the tension

– Blundstones to go with the Redbacks

– For this to all be over and done with

– A month in Venice to read Proust

– Carl’s Jr., right now

– For most of my exes to die suddenly and hilariously

– Absolution for the previous remark

– Honesty

– Respect

– Serenity

– Peace

– Time

I had the money to build myself a PC right now. This notebook (Pentium M 2.1GHz, single core of course, 2GB, Nvidia mobile 5 series) is getting just a little bit long in the tooth and slow for current versions of…everything.

Here’s what I’d build:

A 300W Mini-ITX case w/room for a 9″ Nvidia board

Core 2 Quad processor

4GB RAM

1TB+ SATA

Latest 9″ Nvidia-based board, whatever it happens to be

Everything else on USB

Some kinda flatness, with at least 1600×1200

Fedora 11 (already running it on my P-M)

Goddammit that would make research life easier. Clickety-clickety-click, bookmarka-bookmarka-browsa-bomb.

everything, and it doesn’t matter. It’s not good enough. It’s still horrible, the worst thing in the world. There is nothing that’s good enough.

are two radically different things. New York inspires me like no place else I’ve ever been, but it’s less able to consistently motivate me, it seems. Salt Lake City motivates me, but it leaves my soul absolutely cold—no inspiration at all, just empty time and space.

I wonder if there’s any place on earth where I can find both?

—

I wonder if I’m up to the task that I’ve set before myself in the first place.