be awake. I can’t sleep. I can’t be. I am not okay.

God I’m tired of being blindsided. It seems like it doesn’t happen to some people. It seems like it’s always happened to me. 🙁

I suddenly feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under me, like I don’t know anything, like I’ve been living a lie for years. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t trust anybody. I don’t have anybody.

I don’t know where I’m going next.

Maybe it is time to start everything over, from scratch, from the beginning, from birth.

Maybe it’s too late for that.

I don’t know.

loneliness

All around, a silent hum, and space. Space.

It is the lack of things, and the lack of people that crowds me.

It is the lack of trust and the heaviness of histories, mine and not mine, and age. Age and broken ten-year-old dreams. To be a child is to have hope; to be an adult is to realize that your hopes have come and gone and already you are doing little more than making due.

For the first time in my life, I feel as though I want to have a child.

I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what anything means as I look around me at all of this space, and sense—rather than hear, necessarily—the silent hum.

?!??!??!!!

—

i am 30
this is my life

On BBC News from Simon Poore, regarding the Bush “immigration plan” detailed last night:

“Bush asks Congress to fund 6000 troops, when he has continually asked Congress to lower taxes. The national deficit means that he is essentially borrowing the money from China. He has made 35 national addresses this year.

“When will the troops leave? When no more immigrants are attempting to cross the border, i.e. never. So now Bush hasn’t got an exit strategy from his own country.”

That, my friends, is MasterCard priceless.

Permanent border control of any kind is on its face immoral. There is only one reason for this conflict—for some people wanting to arrive at a place and others wanting to keep them out en masse—and that reason is a desperate attempt by the haves to ensure that the others remain the have nots.

Anyone who claims to want to protect “the American way of life” or to want to keep other people from taking “American jobs” is saying—in so many words—that they want to keep the other party from enjoying the same standard of living that they do.

In short, the entire American nation is screaming at the top of its lungs just now: “WE WANT BROWN BABIES TO CONTINUE TO BE BORN INTO POVERTY AND TO DIE YOUNG, SO THAT WE CAN HAVE THEIR RESOURCES AND THUS A HIGHER STANDARD OF LIVING, DAMMIT!”

Legal/illegal? Ptah. It’s all a euphemism for domination and racism.