Tonight, J-, I stick my tongue out at you and at your empolyer, who exploits its employees to the fullest.

And J—ie, I didn’t want to put you in a cage then, like you thought I did, but I’d love to put you in a cage now, and pluck your feathers, and put my cigar out on you. I made you. I pulled you out of the alcohol slums and sent you to Costa Rica, but you never prayed to me in thanks. I know that you haven’t forgotten, that it is awkward for you, and that you fear it.

And T-, you thought you’d taken me, commanded me, but you didn’t realize it was only because for a time you had my permission to do so. I still remember your shock when told you that I’d see you only in hell. I see that you’re there now, and I breathe it, and it is good.

And aqueous, you felt threatened and ran, but I am your friend anyway. Except tonight. Tonight I am not your friend. Tonight I would not save you if you were clinging to the cliffside in the gales. Tonight I am threatening.

Tonight I am dark and threatening to you all.

Tonight is my night off. My night off.

I take tonight, the first night in many, many years, to revel in apathy. To myself. Tonight I am male, unapologetically, deeply male and fertile. Tonight I am a giant. Tonight I roar again that I am a brilliant mind, a creative force, a wishing dragon, an ageless rock.

I am. I am and you all swept up against me, as I have been told too many times, as I have accepted too many times. I am the most generous soul in the universe, more generous than Jesus, more generous than the Buddah. And I have been there. Tonight, I take my thanks as homage, as bounty. I take it from you and you are powerless. Yes, it is about power. And I tonight, for a moment only, my moment, I claim it. I claim it and there is nothing for you to do.

So in response to the disappearance of “linksys” I went and bought a directional antenna with 15dB of gain. Now I have another, slightly different “linksys” in my life. Whatever. Do with me what you will.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

I am listening to pop rock (Stone Temple Pilots) and remembering watching a movie in the dark with J—-ie a million years ago when I was much younger and an entirely different, but entirely similar, person.

It feels like I have been digested a hundred times since then. Oh wait, I have.

I’m getting grey hair in my beard.

Nothing is ever not what it seems to be. Not for long, anyway.

All painful things appear to be better if you don’t think about them. They’re not actually better, but they appear to be. At the end, that may be all that anyone can really hope for.

—

“…they say if you look hard,
you’ll find your way back home…”

So in response to the disappearance of “linksys” I went and bought a directional antenna with 15dB of gain. Now I have another, slightly different “linksys” in my life. Whatever. Do with me what you will.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

I am listening to pop rock (Stone Temple Pilots) and remembering watching a movie in the dark with J—-ie a million years ago when I was much younger and an entirely different, but entirely similar, person.

Nothing is ever not what it seems to be. Not for long, anyway.

No web at home right now, so this is my end-of-the-day post. As happens every night during these summers, I’m going to go home and try very, very hard to be okay, and to keep my mind on what I’m doing, whatever that happens to be, rather than what I’m not doing or could be doing or wish I was doing.

Tentative plans:

– Go to Lazy Acres and buy some gourmet beer because I’ve had too much Riebenbach
– Go to CompUSA and buy a cheap amplified 802.11b antenna, in a last-ditch WiFi effort
– Read some more Derrida
– ???

That last one’s a real moddafogga.

I think this weekend I’m gonna try and re-climb this hill that J- and I climbed a while back where a lot of dead wood was hanging around looking National Geographic. We’ll see. I still haven’t decided whether to join the “New to SB” club yet. I could use the interaction, but at the same time it’s pretty f’in tacky. I mean, at least when you go to a mixer at your new university department they try to frame it as an exercise in academic discussion as well as mindless “I’m lonely” schmoozing so that you don’t seem like such a weenie.

But whatever.

No web at home right now, so this is my end-of-the-day post. As happens every night during these summers, I’m going to go home and try very, very hard to be okay, and to keep my mind on what I’m doing, whatever that happens to be, rather than what I’m not doing or could be doing or wish I was doing.

Tentative plans:

– Go to Lazy Acres and buy some gourmet beer because I’ve had too much Riebenbach
– Go to CompUSA and buy a cheap amplified 802.11b antenna, in a last-ditch WiFi effort
– Read some more Derrida
– ???

That last one’s a real moddafogga.

I think this weekend I’m gonna try and re-climb this hill that J- and I climbed a while back where a lot of dead wood was hanging around looking National Geographic. We’ll see. I still haven’t decided whether to join the “New to SB” club yet. I could use the interaction, but at the same time it’s pretty f’in tacky.