29 years and I still haven’t figured it out. I don’t know if I ever will. That’s scary, and it sucks. I don’t know if there’s anything to be done, or if that’s just the way I am.

Good night, everyone.

Sometimes, some nights, when she’s on the road… she makes me feel guilty just for being out here, just for having feelings for her, which somehow makes her feel guilty… Because she knows that she doesn’t really want to talk to me and however it manifests itself, whether she just doesn’t call me or whether she calls me but wants to hang up right away because she didn’t want to call me in the first place, I’m going to be disappointed.

So everything just goes sour. I apologize without being able to explain why. She gets upset because my apologizing makes her feel guilty. Then I feel guilty and want to apologize more. Then we hang up and everything is fucking off and dark and sad.

I wish things were different. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I am out here. And as much as I try not to be, I am disappointed. What can I do? Care less? Strive to be apathetic? I mean, at least I’m not angry or distraught.

I know she doesn’t really wish I didn’t exist, not really… just for a night some nights, like tonight, when it’s too much responsibility to be in a relationship with someone and have them care. But it still sucks, when it happens, for both of us. And the worst thing is that… just for a night some nights… it almost feels like something dangerous has been exposed.

And that’s really scary. I hope we can outgrow it.

Dear god I feel like hell today.

I hate dreaming. I especially hate having dreams that make waking up a disappointing process. Also, I hate my exes and would like them all to die. Finally, I hate the people who really like money a lot and the people who complain about the emotional instability of those that don’t.

it’s obvious, if we men would just care enough to listen…
women want what they don’t want,
and they don’t want what they want, okay?
yeah, fine, so they can’t explain quite what they mean right now, so what?
jesus, this is all really emotionally draining, don’t we understand?
anyway, if men really cared, we’d get it, and then we’d stop all of this…
i mean, basically, it’s all our fault to begin with,
becuase we smother them by caring too much…
and what’s worse, we’re unemotional and uncommitted!
but who cares, that’s all beside the point…
for now, we need to just go the hell away!
well, for a little while, anyway…
okay, really they’ll call us in a bit, so we shouldn’t go too far…
well, maybe they’ll call us…
i mean, it’s a little creepy if we just hang around and wait…
but dammit, if we’re not there when they need us,
they have every right to find someone who will be!

—

Sometimes you’d kill for a hug.
Sometimes you realize you won’t get one for a long time.

Modernity sucks.