i just hate it

what good is anyone, unless they’re there for you?

—

i can’t stop shaking

i can not

stop

shaking

all i have done tonight is vomit and sleep, over and over and over again

please, somebody, let me out

I

FUCKING

HATE

YOU ALL

SELFISH LIARS

HARLOTS

JACKASSES

BASTARDS!

Tonight she’s in SLC, going to all of my places, doing my favorite things, and I don’t get to show her around. Her first time really to be in SLC, my SLC, and I don’t get to be there, I don’t get to do it. The guy, the other guy, the guy she’s traveling with and sleeping in the same room as one-on-one just *that much* too intimately until some future date that I asked about but that remains undecided (but that is at least months and months away) gets to take her to all of my places, and then gets to share her breath and her warmth afterward. It’s not fucking fair. It’s not fucccckkkking fair.

How can I fucking cope?! Somebody fucking fix it?! Please!?

I dont know how many times I tried, in Portland, in Santa Barbara, anywhere, to get her to go and sit and have a drink and talk with me, like my favorite thing in the world, and it just never, never, not once, worked out. We couldn’t ever somehow manage to do it together. And now not only is she doing it, she’s in my place and she’s doing it with someone else and I don’t get to show her around, and she’s doing my thing that somehow she and I don’t do together, doing it with someone else, getting shown around by someone else, some other guy who shares a name with my least favorite person on Earth, and who gets her tonight, too, when it’s time for everyone to transition into dreams

and I just want to die. And I feel selfish, so incredibly selfish, but also so incredibly sad and deprived and distant and unhappy and left out.

I just want to die.

Life sucks, it sucks, it’s the worst thing that could possibly happen, the most painful thing that could possibly happen, the thing that imprisons you, the thing that eats you, the thing that makes it so you can’t win, the thing that makes you feel small, the thing that makes you want to run and run and run and run and jump and never be heard from again, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever,

again.

It’s emblematic of the whole thing and I just fucking hate it. I’m sorry, everyone. I’m sorry to everyone I’ve ever hurt. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Amen.

—

“When, When We Were Young
We Had No History
So Nothing To Lose
Meant We Could Choose
Choose What We Wanted Then
Without Any Fear
Or Thought Of Revenge
But Then You Grew Old
And I Lost My Ambition
So I Gained An Addiction
To Drink And Depression
(They Are Mine
My Only True Friends
And I’ll Keep Them With Me
Until The Very End)
I’d Choose Not To Remember
But I Miss Your Arrogance
And I Need Your Intelligence
And Your Hate For Authority
But Now You’re Gone
I Read It Today
They Found You In Spain
Face Down In The Street
With A Bottle In Your Hand
And A Wild Smile On Your Face
And A Knife In Your Back
You Died In A Foreign Land
And They Found My Letter
Rolled Up In Your Pocket
Where I Said I’d Kill Myself
If She Left Me Again
So Now She’s Gone
And You’re Both In My Mind
I’ve Got One Thing To Say
Before I Am Drunk Again:
God Damn The Sun
God Damn The Sun
God Damn Anyone
That Says A Kind Word
God Damn The Sun
God Damn The Sun
God Damn The Light It Shines
And This World It Shows
God Damn The Sun.”

when every avenue you can see is
punishment for you
punishment for them
what can you do?
you lost your nobility somewhere
when someone looked at you across a table
and told you they no longer loved you
and you squinted and grimaced,
unable to understand
not quite ready to see
not knowing where to turn
but knowing that you would
run
forever and ever and ever
down the endless sidewalks and
roads
in the city
the city
the city
where trains are running
and busses are driving
and somewhere you will always be waiting
in her arms at midnight
for the last driver of the night
the last driver of the night, waiting
waiting
to take your love away until
tomorrow
until
never ever
ever ever again
where all of the wild things are
where all of your wonder went
where you don’t see and you don’t hear
what you can’t afford to touch or taste or
see
alone
like you are now
and will always be, the violins
sweet violins
ecstatic and climbing and — and shining like the sun
touching you
so sweetly that your face is covered in
covered in tears
full of the lost love
full of the yesterheart
full of what you once touched forever
once and forever
and now you know was just a dream
just a dream
a dream
a dream

and you come to and
you take her hand and
you take it and run
you won’t let them catch you
you won’t let them ruin it
you won’t ever stop
even once the tears dry
you’ll find forever and ever and ever
you’ll find it
you’ll find it
before it’s too late

i don’t know how i’m gonna survive tonight

“You’ve got to be kidding me. I paid $14.99 for this?! Jesus Christ! No, it’s not worth making a big deal over. I’ll just get another one tomorrow. Remind me never to buy this brand again. Where’s the remote control? Do we have any more beer? Shit. I guess I’ll get another one right now, because I have to go get beer anyway.”

It’s hard not to get very jealous of the people — and in particular the other guy — that has my girlfriend right now while I don’t — that has more time with her on a day-to-day basis as I sit here working than I’ve ever had or am ever likely to have with her — and that will do so for many months to come. It’s hard to hear her talk about the realities of the road, and about not wanting to be without him as they progress.

Right now it makes me bitter and depressed, and that makes me even harder for her to talk to — if I’m not careful, a vicious cycle.

Life sucks and today I’m sad and lonely.

—

Tonight is going to be very, very hard.

” Time marches on and decisions are made… some consciously, some almost by default. Just a few short weeks until I will be moving to whatever school I eventually decide to attend. Right now it looks as though the decision has all but been made, but I don’t want to announce it just yet.

“It’s all very bittersweet just now. It’s been a long time coming. I’m getting older. Some things have happened according to plan, some things haven’t. I’m leaving a lot behind. I don’t know exactly where I’ll be going. But it will be interesting.”

—

Things have played out so very differently from the way I expected them to play out. But I think they’re just as good, if not better.

—

Southern California is being kind to me. There have been perhaps one or two blindingly sunny days since she left; the rest have been grey and salt-aired. This morning it is drizzling slightly, as though Santa Barbara were pretending to be San Francisco just for my sake.

I do appreciate it.

—

Career-wise, I know now that I am a lone wolf. The sooner I transition back into that role, the better.