She won’t talk to me when other people are in the room.

For the next N+1 months, other people will always be in the room.

I’m nearly 30 years old.

I feel completely alone right now.

Nobody understands, and when I say nobody understands, everybody gets angry at me or hurt by me, which proves that nobody understands, or at least nobody cares enough not to tell me I’m a selfish bastard.

I didn’t ask to be born. You’re supposed to say that when you’re twelve, but I’m saying it when I’m 30.

I don’t know what to say or do.

I feel like I wanna

No matter what you do with your life, you WILL waste it.

If you focus entirely on your career and never make anything of your personal connections and relationships, you have wasted your life.

If you focus entirely on your personal connections and relationships and never make a career, build a legacy, or climb out of debt, you have wasted your life.

If you compromise both in order to try to balance them, creating neither a spectacular career nor a vast network of sound, loving relationships, you have wasted your life.

You will waste your life.

And then you will be dead.

I hate life. I fscking hate life. And hating life makes other people dislike me. Which makes me hate life even more. Which makes them dislike me even more. Which makes me hate life even more. Which makes them dislike me even more.

All I have to do to make people like me is put on a show and claim to love life. But that’s so fscking superficial of everyone, it makes me hate life even more. Which makes them dislike me even more…

—

Don’t I deserve the benefit of the doubt, ever? Don’t I deserve to have someone take care of me? Love me? Protect me? Sacrifice for me? Worry about me? Don’t I get to have other people looking out for me, EVER?

—

NO.

I was born a white male in a wealthy country, which means that I AM AT THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN, ONE OF THE PRIVELEGED FEW.

I can never be unhappy about anything, ever. Because I’m PRIVELEGED. Any unhappy thought or feeling that I ever, EVER have is completely unjustified and selfish and DESPICABLE. If I’m not DELIGHTED WITH EVERYTHING than I’m just an asshole, because everybody else has it IMMEASURABLY worse. Everybody else is powerless to do anything other than stand by and collect SYMPATHY AND CARING all day, OMIGOD THE POOR SODS, FORCED TO LIVE LIKE THAT.

I’m so LUCKY that I don’t have to be OFFERED any sympathy and caring, and if I don’t APPRECIATE that, then I’m the TOTAL ASSHOLE THAT ALL WHITE MALES IN RICH COUNTRIES ARE.

I don’t deserve any caring. Boo hoo hoo, everyone says, and they’re right. Becuase I have my DOLLARS and my MALENESS and my WHITENESS to keep me happy, and if that’s not ENOUGH, I should be SHOT. If I have the GALL to REJECT that, I should be SHOT, because that’s all the POOR, BROWN FEMALES WANT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

I should be shot.

—

This is a SICK society and a SICK world and I am the SICK center of it.

If you have to say you don’t care what other people think, then you do. Otherwise, you wouldn’t feel it necessary to say so.

Chances are that no one will ever care for you exactly as much as you care for them. They will either care more for you than you do for them, or they will care less for you than you do for them.

The truth is that humans are pretty fscking miserable beings.

The converse truth (though some may be confused by it) is that freedom is the worst thing for human happiness and contentment since the black plague, as Dostoevsky pointed out over and over again.

time

passes

—

It’s official, I miss my girlfriend.

Everyone you love will eventually go away.

Some will leave you.

Some will be left by you.

Some will disappear into the great mass of humanity as you both turn your back for what feels like just a moment, never managing to reconnect again.

Some will be lost that strange darkness that overtakes people when they change — afterward, even though you may see what seems to be them every day, you’ll know that you’ve lost them forever.

Many of those that remain will die before you.

And the rest will leave your life when you die before them.

You will be buried alone.