Everything is changing from moment to moment.

Always when it is raining. Always in the morning. How strangely familiar and confusing everything can sometimes be.

Anybody gonna call me “lame” can kiss my stately man on their way.

I can’t write what I was gonna write. Life is sad.

Got to get to sleep. Work to be done in the morning. On the whole, however, not a bad day. Much better than I’d thought it would be when I first stepped on to the sidewalk.

World, I am embracing you.

My girlfriend is beauuuutiful and cooool.

That’s how you know things be lookin’ up.

Time is moving very quickly this morning. I feel really dazed today, like I don’t know what color anything’s supposed to be. I dreamed a lot last night — maybe that has something to do with it. I seem to have been dreaming often lately. I don’t know what that means. Last night, the dreams were painful and all too real. When I woke, I was glad to be done with them… but as is usually the case, it took a while for me to sort of return to reality and be at one with the day.

I’m leaving for the library again. I live in the library. I don’t really know where else to go, though. Maybe I’ll start studying all the time in one of the coffee shops instead. Except you can’t check out books at Uncle Joe’s. I forgot about the books part. The library it is, I guess. Or maybe Ex Libris, at least, in the basement of the library, where I can crank my headphones a little. I don’t know.

Maybe I am losing it. I feel pretty good right now, but I do recently feel like I did during the summer of 2002, doing Highway 101 repeatedly, winding up and down the roads through all those trees and feeling like a suspended note, floating in midair above the hot pavement.

Thank God for friends.

“llumination comes so hard
Makes me see but leaves its scars
At times I wish that I didn’t know what I know now
Thought and thought until I lost my mind
Looked and looked until I went near blind
The path is fair but so unkind”

Now I am regretting my last entry.

“Happiness is being able to tell the truth without ever hurting anyone.”

Corollary: There is no such thing as happiness.

You know you’re in trouble when there is nothing left in the world that you can say because everything you say seems to hurt one of the myriad people that you love, and that’s just too much for you to bear, so you choose to remain silent, rather than risk hurting anybody that matters to you precisely because they matter to you.

Eventually, you succumb to the blizzard of emotional shards and no-one ever hears from you again. Then, they all ask in retrospect, “What happened to person X? And if something was wrong, why didn’t he/she tell me about it?”

It’s the nature of human existence: we all love each other; we all make each other incredibly uncomfortable. We’re all terrified of loneliness; we’re all determined to be alone. We’re all trying to save the world, we’re all determined to be better than it.

Someday I will finally self-destruct like I should have done long ago. Drinks will not be served; everyone should get drunk before they show up.

Taught on your way through jesus easter midnights not to
open your innocent eyes,
ever,
you wander like a headless plastic doll
in alcohol nirvana wonderland coming;
while the wild,
strawberry circus of anima icons, in the
estuaries that fill your optic nerve with living,
replace, unflinchingly
everything you never wanted to see anyway;
they build that Chinese wall for you easily,
like a dead grandparent’s laughter,
filling a room with the scent of late tuesday foods —
with the scent of quotidian summer in the city —
and it suits you.
It suits you fine.

Does life seem worthwhile to you?

Here’s how to order.

The vending machine gave me a demolished quarter. Time for a lens sort-out. Then, it’s off to the library yet again. It’s not just quotidian, it’s educational.

I say some really dumb things sometimes. I also think too much. Oh well, what can you do?

St. Valentines day is cooler than I remember.

It is good to love.

israel kamakawiwo’ole

hawai’i 78