It’s official. The greatest three albums in my collection are indeed:

The Jesus & Mary Chain, Stoned & Dethroned
Beck, Mutations
Mazzy Star, Among My Swan

Somebody needs to send me back to 1967.

All my life has been nothing but pain, from the months as an infant when my mother couldn’t hold me to the beatings and race hate to the “genius” label which kept me away from the other people and made me a curiosity unto myself, full of promise and nothing more.

All I’ve ever wanted is a place where I didn’t have to be afraid any longer… where I could be myself and nothing more or less… but there isn’t one, is there? There isn’t anywhere or anything other than this… this life.

I am so exhaused… so tired of everything. When do I finally get my ticket home, to where the snow is falling in November and the hugs are warm and I don’t have to ‘be strong and survive’ any longer?

How much longer can I be bothered to care…

Sometimes you have a way of making yourself hear what you want to hear… of making believe and then finding evidence to support your dreaming even though there really isn’t any. I am the king of this behavior. Right now I feel guilty about it… and two hours from now I won’t understand any longer what I’m writing about right now.

I sometimes think it isn’t possible for me to learn my lessons.