Okay, got back from the big wilderness trip that I didn’t mention here before. Why didn’t I mention it? No reason. But I’m back. It got cut short, but that’s okay because things weren’t going all that well anyway.
When I got back, I had a long weekend, so I figured it was a good opportunity to do the upgrades I’d been planning. Things I’ve learned: Windows 2000 is a steaming pile of shit that will wipe your Linux drives without asking rather than just ignoring them like Windows 95 and 98 did. So I’ve been restoring from tape… Also, I’m having to give up my beloved emacs because somehow the anti-aliasing of fonts f*cks it completely up. And Netatalk freezes kernel 2.4.6-pre5 rock solid. But nobody really cares so I’ll shut up about this tech shit. The sad thing is, most of the recent photos of things like Tami’s graduation… got erased. My fault.
I bought an illegal Star Wars DVD set, but it doesn’t play quite right on my cheap Apex DVD player, not to mention that the guy was “out of stock” on the Return of the Jedi discs, so he’s promised to send it Monday. Nothing ever goes right. Shit, shit, shit.
Speaking of DVD, I keep feeling like I want to watch a film before I go back to school tomorrow but every film I can think of isn’t the one I want to watch. I hate that feeling.
And there are more papers and midterms to come this week. Damn. DAMN. Right now I’m feeling like I did a lot when I was younger. I want to burn things, cause harm, be dirty and alienate people generally. Trouble is I have no f*cking idea how to do that these days… Every chump on the street has twelve tattoos, fifteen piercings, green hair and a drug habit. I can’t hope to compete on that front. All I can figure out is that I should stop talking to people and stop bathing generally. I don’t know if that will drive them away, but at least it will make them uncomfortable.
I feel like I want to go to India or to Egypt or nach Bayern or something. I’m tired of here, I’m tired of school, I’m tired of the people I know, I’m tired of f*cking with my computer, I’m tired of not having any money, I’m tired of driving a Volvo, I’m tired of every damn thing I can think of.
Right now, this moment, film school is feeling very good. I’m not sure about Anthropology anymore. I’m not sure about anything anymore. I need a beer. I haven’t had one in weeks. I can’t afford one.
None of it matters. None of it matters after two world wars, Berlin and Tienanmen Square. Where is the purpose? Has God run out of calamity ideas to give people something meaningful to do? Or am I just “lucky” enough to live in the land of corporate rape and honey? Man lives for triumph, not for contentment. Think Milton. And for everyone who’s about to tell me that it will be a triumph to become a Ph.D., buy a boat and marry a pretty wife: you have no idea about anything at all…
Shit, shit, shit. I want a silver cross as a talisman. But I can’t afford one. “A talisman?” you ask. Yes. I’m an anthropology student. I can do such things. F*ck off.
Hundreds of lost photos… I’m fairly depressed right now.