Trying too hard can be just as destructive as not trying at all.

…off to hold class.

Off to hold class…

life gives everyone grey hair

—

Sitting on the subway on the way into town may not be the most appropriate moment to make blog posts, but I have been thinking today (as I grapple with everything that is going on in my rather packed life) about how radically different my perspective is now from the way it was a few years ago during my first semester at Chicago. I almost can’t remember what it was like to be the ‘me’ of then, who now seems terribly nonchalant, terribly naive, and also terribly destructive.

The two biggest changes between then and now are that now I know what I want and I also know how to go about getting it (and how not to go about getting it).

I don’t think I could ever have imagined then living on faith and sheer will to the extent I am doing now. Everything seems to be falling into place these days; each time I feel as though I am just hanging on by a thread, the thread seems to hold in the end.

I guess that’s what experience and age give you: stronger thread.

Things are complicated and busy, but nothing large has broken yet. The dominoes seem to be falling in the correct order. There are, however, rather a lot of them this semester to fall. We’ll see what happens.

is wearing me out. Everything is disappointing and threatening & everyone is frustrating me. I am not ready for tomorrow and today is not the sort of day that’s gonna get me there.

companies.

Never, ever trust your employer(s).

…and when it starts, the most difficult two semesters in my life (i.e. the most difficult academic year ever) will begin. I am intimidated just thinking about it. I have never attempted anything like this before, and I don’t quite know how I will get everything done. I am about to/will be doing/will have:

– Two papers to submit for the institute
– Three full-on graduate seminars at the Ph.D. level to attend
– At least one intensive undergrad core course to teach
– One pedagogy/teaching methods seminar to attend
– One social sciences analysis job to work
– One writing/editing job to work
– One photography sideline job to try to maintain
– Am moving to a new apartment
– Am adopting a pit bull puppy
– Am working on planning a wedding in Poland
– Will be traveling across the country, virtually from coast to coast
– Will probably be traveling to Poland again
– Will be furnishing/decorating/housebuilding
– Need to study for departmental and Ph.D. comprehensive exams
– Need to maintain communcation with my friends (very important)
– Same with family (also very important)
– Same with my fiancé, in terms of “us time” (most important of all)
– Need to keep working toward submitting/attending publications/conferences
– Will be submitting a strong application for a research assistantship

These last two items may also add:

– Need to prepare presentation(s) and/or attend conference(s)
– Need to find time to help launch a department and/or do guided research

Finally, there is also:

– Need to continue with my own research (ABD by spring, exams permitting)
– Need to keep myself healthy so that I don’t collapse under all this weight

—

This is a lot. This is not just a lot, this is Everest. This is everything, ever all wrapped into one, with no extra time allottable or allocatable for anything. If I manage to succeed at everything during the next two semesters (i.e from now until May or so), I can do anything.

Anything.

—

My fiancé is basically in the same boat. We will be busy as (as she says) two hells.

—

The scary thing is the thought that we could fail, at any of them. Looking at my list, at least, one is tempted to say that “something’s gotta give.” I hope not. Same goes for her.

The government now says that “realities” on the ground in Iraq require that they adjust their sights… the U.S. will now apparently be happy with “a government that functions and can bring security.”

That is, as I recall, precisely what we had in Saddam Hussein, before we caused the deaths of a million or so Iraqis and lost thousands of U.S. soldiers and hundreds of billions of U.S. budget dollars that did not go to rescue Katrina victims, that did not go to maintain anti-AIDS programs in Africa, that were not used for our failing education system, and that did not go to repair bridges and infrastructure here.

Um, how many hundred million citizens of the world (many in the U.S.) can now chime in with a loud “I told you so!” to the fucking Bush administration, who realizes now, years later, that mebbe Saddam’s goals and theirs weren’t so very different after all, in the face of “realities” and other such pedestrian things?

Hahahahahahaha… Ohboy.

it is damn near impossible to wake up.

I am sitting here trying to work and it looks as though I am sitting here trying to sleep.

that isn’t at all abstract.

We are working too much and being too frugal. It is getting to me. Seven days a week, eight plus hours a day, same office, same subway train, same scenery. School starts in a moment and life will open back up. Classes, teaching, research, moving…

But for the moment there is only this office, small, wooden, spartan, cluttered, a bit dirty, being covered in newspaper ink and years. There is the office and a futon. It is almost enough to make one lose one’s mind. Sometimes lately I am snapping without meaning to, feeling far more stress than can be justified.

It can compress one beyond belief to have absolutely no variety in life. The last time I did this was when I was living in southern California.

At least hear the weather is different every day and I have reasons—good reasons—to do what I’m doing. That makes all the difference.

The universe closes in like a November sky.

skin . of . teeth

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh

http://www.pitbullsontheweb.com/petbull/findpit.html
http://www.atts.org/index.html

Shocked?

I am confused, lonely, bewildered. It’s hard to work but I’m doing it. I don’t quite know what’s the correct thing and what’s not, for anyone. I am following my nose, but that feels about as random as anything right now.