1. Think my talking on a mobile phone is rude? Well FUCK YOU.

(apparently you have failed to demand my attention)

2. Think I take too much initiative? It’s YOUR FAULT for hiring a HIGH-IQ LOOSE CANNON like me.

(it seems you couldn’t see through my manipulation)

3. Think I drive too fast? GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY YOU OCTOGENARIAN.

(your fear indicates your unfitness to drive)

4. Think I drive too slow? GO THE FUCK AROUND ME.

(figure this out or stay off the road)

5. Think I’m gonna follow your lead? Tell me WHERE IT GOES first.

(since you can’t lead me, watch me lead you)

6. Think I won’t have the balls to tell you off? FUCK OFF & DIE, BITCH!

(stand up and be counted or disappear)

7. Think I’m too brash? I HAVE SIX BOOKS, THREE DEGREES, and BETTER LOOKS THAN YOU.

(what have you got, and for how long?)

8. Think I ask too much? YOU DELIVER TOO FUCKING LITTLE.

(impress me or go, I am not your keeper)

Z. So FUCK YOU.

(ha I win)

—

I will whoop your ass any way you care to name. I am genetically superior, unlike Hitler. I have fat biceps and a fat mind. I am the will of the people and the mind of the saints. I am the resurrection. Bow, bow, bow, and while you’re at it, watch yourself lose to me, like so many have done before.

I feel too down.

take action

Okay, you know the state that you reach sometimes, in which it’s very early in the morning and you’re borderline delirious, and you know that you must be completely exhausted, yet you’re not at all tired?

Yeah.

Thing’s aren’t good or bad right this moment, they just are.

I suppose I exist.

Oh, sure, I’m a real nutcase. Jesux.

—

“Three bars walk into a guy…”

My life right now makes me sad. I have made too many compromises. I have spent more than an entire year just waiting — not doing what I want, just waiting for something else. It’s no way to live, and I’m a fool for thinking it would be a good idea.

And after all this, Neubauten remains the true soundtrack to my life. I want nothing else when I am drunk but the voice of Bargeld and the metal and the stones… and the drunken measure is the true measure, after all, as anyone worth his socks can tell you.

walk, walk, walk,
like sidewalk grey,
wintertime wonder 2001 the great,
gift boxes implanted in
concrete walls of fruition,
enlightenment jones on the wing and you,
tired,
at the top of the parking garage,
smoking
like george burns on his last day,
heart attacks a plenty a product
for you to sing the merits
of

The trouble with blogs is that employers and co-workers sometimes read them, and then things get very out of hand. (Not as though things haven’t already been out of hand.)

I’ve taken at least a dozen years off my life this summer. Last night was hell. So was the early part of this morning. I slept almost not at all, and was ill, delirious, and delusional through most of it. I can’t tell what was dream and what was real… but today has certainly been a story of the yesterday’s chickens coming home to today’s roost, from every direction. I blacked out most of yesterday afternoon and evening, but apparently I got on quite a tear.

How very responsible of me!

I want to be a photographer, but I probably won’t be.

For the first time in my life, I am officially suicidal. Put me on death watch, baby, and tell me how much I mean to everyone while you remove everything “dangerous” from the room so that I don’t “hurt myself.”

God I hate everyone and everything. God I’m tired of being hurt. God I’m tired of being accused. God I’m tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, 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tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired.

Hate me! Please! Tell me what an asshole I am! Tell me how abusive I am or how I ruin lives or days! Tell me how I wanted you to be a caged bird, or how I won’t let you have a normal relationship, or how I have too many expectations, or how you thought I was a classy guy but I’m just a slug, or how you want to know whether I can handle a nine-to-five job when all I’ve ever done is freelance, or how I shouldn’t be a professor because there’s no money in it, or how I should just hang in there because both my time and my “one and only” will come, or how I need to return to “the old country” and find my roots and learn the language, or how I need to learn financial responsibility, or how I am the person that all of my siblings look up to, or how the entire project depends on me, or how you wanted to love me but I ruined it, or how I owe you tons of money that I agreed to pay back and now I haven’t made a payment in four months, or how I drink too much and it’s going to give me liver disease and that pisses you off, or how you just can’t give up pot, or how you had this arrangement to marry someone else long before you met me, or how you just can’t have normal relationships and its not my fault, or how you know that life in my generation is going to be harder than it was in yours but that’s because I’m one of the chosen, or how you overcharged me for this fucking soda but now you can’t fix it because you don’t have the manager key, or how I paid my rent a week too late because I hadn’t yet read the lease, or how I haven’t registered my car and now I owe the state of California hundreds of dollars, or how you feel like I’m keeping you from your career in Costa Rica, or how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me, how you care a whole lot about me.

WELL FUCK, I GUESS I’M JUST A SELFISH FUCKING ASSHOLE, THEN. SHIVER ME TIMBERS. BLOW ME DOWN. TAKE A SHIT. DANCE ON THE PUSSYWEEN.

Nothing is solved by this.

nothing .
is .
ever .
solved .
by .
anything .

Most insightful comment of the year on any topic, in response to the revelation that the London subway bombers were British-born:

Microchips in passports and identity cards would not have shown these people to be terrorists. A functioning community spirit where they lived might have. **(Shaun Smyth, Divonne, France)**

God, opened this up the moment I arrived, now I’ve already been here an hour and haven’t managed to post a thing. I could go on about alienation and all that just a little more, but it seems that’s what I’m always doing these days so maybe something else for the ‘ol blog instead, hmm?

Bought a Sigma 18-125mm DC zoom on Sunday. It’s very nice, and sharper than my Tamron SP AF 24-135mm. The joy of a new lens helps to offset the fact that sometimes people you care about are fairly harsh to you.

I hate Mondays.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

Only there is no Lord.

But that’s okay, who the hell needs one when so many other people all over the place giveth, and so many other people all over the place taketh away.

—

Got a new phone to replace the last one that got blended into my skin. It’s a Nokia 8390 and it’s the perfect phone, I think.

—

I liked Chicago a lot. I wish I was there right now. I’d take a walk.

Every now and then when she’s in a very particular mood, she’ll suddenly offer a real glimpse into some of the things she does, day-to-day right now… mention a couple of names… mention meeting a band member or getting ready to hold an interview or hanging out somewhere, rather than saying there are no stories to tell. Such moments of sudden candor about things she did days ago, or weeks ago, and was never willing or excited to talk about remind me of just how much time a summer is, how much is happening without me, and how many things will probably never be shared between us from these two years. For the most part summers are kept very separate from me — it’s her moment, not mine, and the details simply aren’t to be mine in any way.

Sometimes I’m okay with that, but sometimes I feel as though I’m very left-behind, as though what must be an amazing exprience is made up of a million accidental secrets — things that I’ll never hear about, even once the summer is over. They’ll disappear into ostensible non-existence soon, and when I ask weeks or months or years fro now, there really won’t be anything to tell. Only the ghosts of change will remain, weeks and places and people that will always be hers alone, and I won’t even know when they’re hidden behind her smile, or floating in the middle of a moment of silence. There’s nothing in the space of overlap between worlds — everything that’s going on at the moment belongs to the other world that I’m not a part of, and so there’s not much to be said to me that doesn’t require first breaking down that boundary, something that she won’t or can’t do… I suppose some of it could be the introvert thing.

It made the relationship harder for me after one summer, and now there will be two of them between us. She doesn’t mean it in a harmful way. And I know that some of it’s just me needing to learn how to cope with the realities of the modern world — this is not a village, and it never will be. It’s not like detectives’ spouses ever hear much about cases, or like politicians’ significant others share any of the daily negotiations. But at the same time, this is different somehow. She’s seeing a million places I’ve always wanted to go, doing things nearly anyone would be excited to do.

doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result

I begin the day by feeling okay for a change so at 3.00 I call her to leave a happy voice mail message because I want to share my positive vibe. I know I’m going to get her voice mail because not once the entire summer has she answered the phone when I called her at work and I’ve become skilled at putting out of my mind the fact that I’m being actively ignored.

Only for the first time in a summer she does decide to answer; I’m taken aback and somewhat pleasantly surprised, and as I try to recover, she asks if she can call me back “in ten minutes.”

“Okay,” I say happily, mulling once more over the nice thing I was going to say and wondering whether I should say it in live conversation or save it for some other time.

I set the phone down and read some email.
I wait ten minutes.
No call.
I wait twenty minutes.
I stop reading email, realizing uneasily that I’ve left myself unprotected once again.
I wait thirty minutes.
I wait forty minutes.

Finally, I call her back. The sense of deja vu is not just apropos, it’s stifling. She doesn’t say whether she’s forgotten me or not this time, only asks yet again if she can call me back, more than a hint of annoyance in her voice. I just say okay and hang up, only now I’m annoyed, too, and flustered, because now I don’t really want to talk or know what to say. When she calls back we only manage to talk for a moment (two sentences, really) because I’m unresponsive and vexed and of course she doesn’t have the slightest interest in pressing me about why. After we hang up, the afternoon suddenly feels oppressive and horrible, rather than auspicious and light as it had an hour earlier.

Three hours later or so I’ve recovered, thanks to hours on the phone with good friends, and am feeling okay when she calls me unexpectedly. After an almost immediate “I have to go, I’ll call you back” yet again, then eventually a few minutes of detached, self-conscious banter between us, during which it never seems the right moment to say what I’d wanted to say earlier, she abruptly tells me that she’s hanging up but will call me back “in a couple of hours.”

Not the sort of thing that should upset me at all, only now it’s late in the day and once again I know the score too well. But I just say “okay” and go.

It’s four hours later, naturally, when ringing wakes me up from a disappointed sleep and sends me scrambling for the phone. “I’m going to bed now, okay?” is all that I hear on the other end — no greeting, no goodbye, and no time for a word from me before the click of the phone hanging up. Like a lamb to the slaughter, I try to call her ten or twelve times over the next half hour, having no idea what I’d actually say if she answered. Maybe we got disconnected because she’s on a moving bus, so maybe her phone is off-network. Maybe it’s on silent (though I have to be careful not to think about why anyone on a rock and roll tour puts their phone on silent). Maybe she’s so tired that she doesn’t hear it ringing (yet another thing not to think about too deeply).

Maybe, maybe, maybe. It feels like I play the maybe game every single fucking night. In any case, I was fairly certain that there wouldn’t be an answer as I repeatedly rang back in frustration. And there wasn’t. And tomorrow she’ll say, without quite making an accusation, “um, my phone says you called me like a dozen times.”

So now I’m awake and alone in the dark as I pound out nonsense on a worthless blog that I’ve tried unsuccessfully to kill a hundred times. I suppose I’ll smoke a clove and watch television and be. If I bring any of this up later, it’ll start a massive fight. Hell, this post is going to start a massive fight. She’ll say that I always “put her through hell” and that I’m not understanding. I’d rather have just left my fucking message in the first place. It was going to be a nice fucking message.   🙁

One pop definition of “insanity” is “doing the same thing over and over, yet hoping for a different result.” If today was just a one-off, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all; I’d just chalk it up to happenstance. But it’s two fucking summers worth of this very thing. It was hard enough to get along when we were reunited after the first summer of it.