I don’t like the way I’m living right now. There are two parallel senses of life, neither of them salutory.
1 — I feel like I’m just going through the motions, like time is sailing past and I’m wasting it, hardly even knowing that I exist at all.
2 — When I do have moments that I wake up and manage to take a few minutes to be alive, I find myself mostly thinking about legacy and end-of-life planning, as though I’ve been given a terminal diagnosis and am trying to tie up loose ends.
I also have this tremendous sense that I ought to be on vacation. I don’t know what that’s about.
But also, right now, when I’m not at work (say over weekends, or on holidays, I don’t seem to manage to do any of the things I plan beforehand to do. I’m often not even sure what happens to the time; the day starts, I shake my head a couple times, and the day is over—and I have no idea where it went or what I did.
Significant others are gone. Friends are mostly gone. Kids will be gone soon. Parents will be gone soon.
Here I sit.
Not sure what to do next.