I have been lonely and unsure about life. Watching friendships fade, social connection get harder. Watching myself age. I thought it was time for another dog.
I am wondering if I was wrong. Dog seems happy, but I don’t think I’ve been this unhappy since I was in the process of getting a divorce.
I forgot what puppies were like, and maybe this one is particularly high maintenance. I forgot what it was like to not feel great about going anywhere alone, to always be thinking you have to get back. I forgot what it was like to not have a moment to yourself.
I don’t remember feeling this bad about all of that always before, though. I’ve always had dogs, what’s different now? Why does all this stuff feel so terrible now?
Just an adjustment period? Puppy blues? Not sure.
But I do feel like I know what postpartum depression feels like. Always before with dogs I felt like I was the leader and my pup was my right-hand dog, we were the two musketeers. I felt in command and confident and attached. This time, I feel like this thing owns me, rather than me owning it, and I am not feeling the attachment properly. Like, I should love this pup. Instead, week from hell.
And worst of all, this has made me feel very, very lonely—this hard thing I have to do all by myself, and that isn’t helped at all by “talking about it” with other people. I wish there was more help, and I just don’t have it.
Yet I never really needed this help in the past.
Have I changed? Have I made a huge mistake? Boy I hope this comes around.