For various reasons, thinking about the great “relationship question” in life again. This comes up from time to time. Sometimes other people raise it, somtimes I raise it myself.
After I got divorced, I did put myself on a few dating sites and so on. Number of dates I’ve been on since the divorce got filed in 2015? Zero.
Don’t I get lonely?
Sometimes, yes.
But really when I consider it, I have to laugh at myself. Because the tacit parameters around any “relationship” I’d consider really tell a different story.
— § —
Would I be willing to invest a great deal of time in a relationship? No.
How many hours a week? Oh, say an hour every two weeks—maybe.
Would I consider moving into a new place? No.
Would I be comfortable with someone else moving from their place into mine? No.
Do I even want to live with a “partner” again? No.
Would I want them to know where I live? No.
Would I really want to spend much time in their space? No.
At what point would they meet my kids? Somewhere between five years and never.
Would I consider marrying them? No.
Would I consider a casual relationship? No.
Am I willing to pay for dinner and a movie? No.
Do I want to go hiking, skiing, out for a drink at a bar, etc.? No.
Would I want to be with them on holidays? No.
For important life events? Unlikely.
Would I want to consult with them about my future plans? No.
Would I want to take theirs into account in my own planning? No.
Do I still find women to be attractive? Yes.
Do I continue to find them attractive if I picture them “in my life” in a substantive way? No.
etc.
— § —
So the obvious answer to myself and to others is that yes, despite the fact that I sometimes get lonely, it really troubles the imagination to try to come up with any kind of “relationship” that might fit my acceptable parameters.
In fact, even if there is some scenario that would be desirable to both people involved, it would strain credulity to call it a “relationship.”
It would barely be an acquaintance if we’re honest.
— § —
I used to assume that old novels that referred to “confirmed bachelors” who were sometimes written to be just a bit on the lonely side were implying that these characters were closeted and gay because the young me couldn’t imagine any other explanation for being a “confirmed bachelor” that’s just a bit on the lonely side.
But now I am actually that guy.