What I can’t quite figure out is whether the level of distraction that has overtaken my life is:

• Unique to me or experienced by everyone

• Part of human aging in general or specifically related to the late modernity

• Something to try to overcome/change or something to accept

I mean, the thing is that the days just fly by. It’s all a sort of whirl of adrenaline and racing and trying and failing to hit targets and explaining to rooms (or calls) full of people who you did or you didn’t or how you came close and then there are some numbers here and there and a lot of decks passed around and then the day is done, and then the week is done, and then the year is done, and then (this is where I am now) the decade is done.

And how did it all happen? What was the opportunity cost?

Who knows?

And I have talked to and/or asked a bunch of people that I know about this and it seems to all come down to “you have time for what you make time for” and when I sort of ask if anyone has any tips on that, the general wisdom seems to be “you’re going to have to actually sacrifice something” and/or “you can’t have everything so it’s time to decide what you want” and what I can’t figure out is whether everyone else is wise and has this sussed already and I’m way behind the curve or whether everyone is just repeating the platitudes they’ve heard but nobody knows if they actually work or do any good because nobody puts them into action, they just repeat them for peers when their peers are having a down day about the meaning of life.

I mean, I just don’t know.

What I do know is that it’s just damned hard to “find” time for anything. For your kids, for your work, for your household chores. Nothing seems to get done despite lots and lots of energy and effort being spent and what actually feels more or less like continuous and unacceptable sacrifice and then before you know it the time has passed and you don’t really feel good about it and you swear that things are going to be different but then they never really actually are.

What I can also tell you is that I have 45 (count them, 45) two-factor TOTP entries in my authenticator app, all distinct, all current, and I don’t even have TOTP on everything in my personal life, or on everything in my work life. And that my work Slack is blowing up and it’s 9:21 pm and I’m actually answering the questions and doing work.

So of course nothing happens.

And, again on the “I can tell you” front, my life is full of people telling me to “hug” or to “hang on to” or to “continue to ensure that I impress” in my job right now because the job market is a disaster and the economy (and tech in particular) are only going to get worse and of course the American-led order is collapsing so that means that whatever “bad” looks like right now (and it’s enough to cause people to reach out to me and make sure that I’m not thinking or even tempted to be thinking of finding new work), it’s going to look orders of magnitude worse (many orders of magnitude worse) within months to just a couple of years.

— § —

Am I living my life wrong?

All I’ve ever done is work hard and do what’s asked of me. I graduated high school. Early. I got college degrees. Bachelors. Masters. Doctorate. I started at gainful employment as a teen and have never had a period of unemployment longer than a month in my entire adult life. I’ve turned up. Done a good job. I proposed and got married. I bought used rather than new cars. I don’t own any luxury goods. I’ve not taken a bunch of international vacations. I was never abusive and I never cheated.

And yet I have no wife, just an ex. My cars are owned outright but I see everyone else driving around in $50k-$100k new cars. I have missed an awful lot of vacations with my kids that I sometimes sort of wish I’d taken. And for what? I don’t seem to be any better off than anyone else, and in fact in general I seem to be worse off.

And here I sit, working at 9:30 pm in the evening, while also perpetually running short on meeting bills (thank you, divorce, and thank you, student loans) and never having gotten on to the property ladder or managed to accumulate much in a 401k.

And unlike all the other guys in my boat, I hate Trump rather than taking pleasure in him so I don’t even get that.

This has turned into a pity party.

Let’s back it up.

— § —

I guess the thing is:

• I feel like I did it all wrong

• I feel fairly certain I am still doing it all wrong

• But whether as a matter of class, culture, or something else, I don’t have the knowledge and neither did my parents

• Won’t someone please tell me what I’m doing wrong, and how to do life right instead

I guess that’s all. Maybe that’s what this entire blog has been for or about all along. It’s a message in a bottle? I’m not sure if that’s what it always was but I guess that at least tonight that’s what it is.

No response yet though, after all these years.